An Individualistic World

Good morning, afternoon, or evening!

“Every deep thinker is more afraid of being understood than of being misunderstood.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I found this quote recently, and it felt quite true. I always have a hard time sharing things that are on my mind; some thoughts I might never share. Songwriting, however, is a way for me to express those things, which means that some of my songs contain thoughts I would rather not say out loud. I definitely have written some lyrics which I hope most people won't understand. Luckily, songwriting is quite cryptical. So, if someone who fundamentally disagrees with me does understand my lyrics, he’ll probably think that he misunderstood :).

Yesterday I released my new single Individual. The lyrics on this one are more philosophically tinted, which I thought would be the perfect opportunity to spam you with some philosophical thoughts. If you want to, you could read the lyrics first; maybe you can find some wisdom in them that I don’t even know about.

Let’s get into the thought process behind this new single. Of course with a little title on top.

An Individual Among Billions
One of the biggest lessons in my life was knowing that I can control it. If something is happening in my life that I don’t like, I have two options. I can complain about it, or I can try to fix it.

These days you hear people complaining a lot. You even see people complaining without talking. A few days ago, I was biking home from work. Another man biked on the other side of the bike road. Just as we passed each other, he pulled off a tired face and left out an audible sigh. We could call him a complainer or a theatrical guy, but I think he isn’t that much to blame. If he had people close to him who would listen and care about his problems, would there be any need to show his problems to random people around him?

It is so easy to complain. Because a lot of things in life are ruled by our environment, or by our past self. And those things are hard to change. If my job moves to a different location which causes me to have twice as much travel time, it feels like I am controlled by those circumstances. If, at the beginning of the year, I commit to an activity every Tuesday evening and later that year my life gets too busy, it feels like I am controlled by that commitment of months ago. On the other hand, a lot of problems in life can be fixed rather easily. As long as you are looking for a solution, and as long as you are brave enough to step out of that complaining state, and step into a solution (I mean, you need to be a little brave to accept that you were complaining about something that had a rather easy fix).

Don’t get me wrong though, complaining isn’t a bad thing, it’s also a way to express your feelings. But the funny part is, the people whom I know that are having a difficult life, complain the least. Or maybe it sounds less like complaining because they have a reason to complain. Maybe we should call it: sharing your concerns.

Once again, a lot of frustrating things do happen, and it’s good to share your concerns about them. But, one of the biggest lessons in my life was that my life wasn’t as difficult as I sometimes made it in my thoughts. And I was able to take control of most of those frustrating things. Because, if something stupid happens, I have two options. I can complain about it… or I can try to fix it.

I once heard that quite famous metaphor of the jar (I couldn’t find who wrote it, besides ‘the professor’ which is not very specific).

A college professor once put a jar on his desk. He started filling in with stones. Once full, he asked his students: “Is this jar full?” “Yes” his students replied.

Then he pulled out a bag of pebbles and started adding pebbles to the jar. He filled the jar up to its rim. Once full, he asked his students: “Is this jar full?” The students laughed as they understood the mistake they made before. “Ok, now it’s full” most of them replied.

Then the professor pulled out a bag of sand and started filling up the jar even more. Once full, he asked his students: “Is this jar full?” The students laughed again, as they were defeated by the professor. “Yes”, they replied, “the jar is full”.

Then the professor pulled out a can of water and started filling up the jar. Once full, he asked his students: “What does this example teach about our schedules?” The students thought about it. One student answered, “that, if you really need to add something to your schedule, you can fit it in, one way or another”. The professor smiled and said: “It shows that I can only fit the big rocks into my planning if I put them in first”.

When I heard this metaphor for the first time, it was so beautiful to me. But when I thought about it, it was also quite hard. I had some fundamental things I wanted to implement in my life, but I just could not do it. I had a job to do, I had friends and family to visit, I had commitments all over the place. It felt quite hard to implement a big thing into my planning, especially if it is something that is only useful for myself; when it feels like an egoistic choice.

But now imagine, I would get a phone call. A famous artist needs a pianist for 5 concerts in the upcoming week. Suddenly a lot is possible. Taking a sudden 1-week holiday from work would probably even be discussable. Everything I am stuck in would unchain. Everything would be possible, because of this one phone call. Imagine a different situation now. What if I am tired, truly burned up? But tonight, I need to be at a band repetition. Wouldn’t you think it would be possible to call my musician friend, explain the situation, and take a night off? And even at work, wouldn’t you think your boss would care about your mental state? Maybe not all bosses, but probably more than you think.

Of course, there will always be things that can’t be fixed. This world isn’t really the most perfect place there is, and things happen. Illnesses exist, people aren’t kind, people disappoint you or you disappoint others, and maybe the biggest of all, people simply die. Stephen Covey mentions the following about problems that can’t be fixed.

“No control problems involve taking the responsibility to change the line on the bottom on our face—to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though we don’t like them. In this way, we do not empower these problems to control us.”
- The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen Covey

The first time I read this I found this a little too easy. Because it’s way easier said than done and smiling about huge problems doesn’t sound like the best idea. But maybe we shouldn’t see this smile as being happy about it. It’s more like a smile of acceptance. And it’s easier to accept something bad that happens to you when you are sure it is not within your control. When you are sure it is not your fault.

When you strip everything within your control away from your life, there is not that much left. Especially when you are just a healthy person living a good life like me:

- I could complain about needing to work because music doesn’t earn me enough money yet. On the other hand, I am blessed with a job that already pays me enough while I am working part-time.

- I could complain about not earning as much money as other people my age. On the other hand, I have learned to live a generous life with less money, and I never have to worry about my finances. Besides that, I actively chose to work less and pursue a creative career.

- I could complain about having a small house. On the other hand, I don’t need a big house, the house has a great vibe, and the house even has a garden.

- I could complain about not having a lot of time with family and friends. On the other hand, I am from a big family and have some very dear friends who all care a lot about me.

- I could complain about not having enough friends while I just complained about not having enough time with the once I have.

- I could complain about having to do the dishes by hand. On the other hand, if I had a dishwasher I would have complained about having less space for my pans.

- I could complain about having to cook all night. On the other hand, I can experiment with whatever I want with cooking because I am the only one who needs to eat it. And that’s actually quite fun.

If I strip all those things away, there aren’t that many things left to complain about for me. Trust me, sometimes I will empty my heart at a close friend, even if it is something I know I can change. But when someone asks me how I am doing, I’ll try not to complain when I am actually just fine.

Since I learned that lesson, I started reading more and more books. Mostly books on character-building, psychology, science, and religion (I’m not really a fiction-reader). I have to say, it takes quite some discipline not to dive into my phone, computer, or television but there are moments when it’s very clear to me that all those screens don’t satisfy me at that moment. That’s a good moment for me to implement a new way of relaxing. Right now, it’s listening to music with full focus, or, there it is: reading a book. I love to dive into new subjects I know nothing about, and although it mostly feels like nothing is saved to my memory, I feel like I am living more consciously when I read more.

But then a little error occurred. A little error in this beautiful ‘post-modern’ lifestyle of improving yourself (or one’s self. Then it sounds more like psychology).

I was sitting with a group of people and one girl had just become very emotional; crying. She was sitting right next to me so I felt like I was the one who needed to do something. I thought to myself: how can I help her? A noble thought, you could say, but it was not. Because I was not thinking about the help she needed. I was only thinking about the role I could play – preferably one of a main character. To me, seeing this woman cry wasn’t a look into the brokenness of this world; it was an opportunity to improve my social skills, and an opportunity to play a notable role in this woman’s life. Suddenly I sat there, fully aware of the egoistic tint of my ‘noble’ thought.

I didn’t do anything; I just sat there until the moment was gone. But the thought kept haunting me a bit. My whole focus was on my own life. The only thing that mattered in my mind was myself, while at the same time, I truly believe in the value of being there for others. I started thinking about all the psychological books I read. A lot of them were written from an ego perspective. And that Covey book; was Covey wrong? Was the lifestyle he prescribed - which helped me a lot - wrong?

These questions kept my head busy for a few days. Not in a way of “Oh, let’s contemplate on that”. More in a way of a little crisis. But then I had an activity with my family, and all those problems disappeared. It’s almost funny how theoretical problems can disappear solely because of a change in environment. It was almost ironic how I was worrying about being too individualistic, while at the same time, I was so aware of the insane amount of mutual love in all my relationships.

For the time being, I left these questions aside. I did write Individual about it, which gave me some more peace over these questions, but I didn’t write the ending yet. When the first version of Individual was written, I wasn’t yet satisfied. I mean, think back to that man on the other side of the bike lane. If I am only caring about others incidentally, some people would never get the attention they need. Like that guy on the other side of the bike lane. And trust me, there is a lot of need for giving your attention to other people, especially in the more individualistically focused worlds today.

The unsatisfaction I felt with my lyrics was exactly what found a solution for me. The song was now ending with I'll try not to care about winning as an individual. That ending didn’t feel resolved. It felt like the busy guy saying “Yeah, I’ll definitely think about how I might get a less busy schedule”. It felt like the chaotic man saying “Yeah, I’ll definitely write more things in my agenda”. It felt like myself saying “Yeah, I am definitely going to visit that old friend whenever my agenda is a little emptier”.

Focusing on yourself is great, and I think that it is good that the world has gotten more individualistic. It causes people to think for themselves, to think about what they do and feel, and to make changes in their lives. But then there is that thing called the other person. You see, most people, including myself, find it hard to truly listen to another person. Mostly our minds are busy with our next response or our role in whatever the other person is telling us. But living a less individualistic lifestyle starts with shutting down your own processes as soon as someone shares theirs.

My ego can be a prison to me
But I’ll try not to care about winning

I’ll try to care a little more
won’t think about my social score,
my arrogance, I will ignore

Forgetting my own plans and needs
focus on your pain and grief
think about you, erasing me

I’ll think about what’s best for you
I’ll dream a little dream for you
suggest some plans, just for you

I’ll stop talking now, be quiet now
I’ll finally listen now
You may talk or be quiet now

It’s up to you.

Danny Yellow